New Year's Eve Dream Gathering

It's a sausage fest, I know, but that's a swank party right there.

A Little Christmas, Right This Very Minute

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love anything that involves decorating, food, and parties but I also don't care for religion, crowds, crass consumerism, and obese white men trying to make red velvet 'happen'. Also, growing up in a small family business that was located in a mall meant that I usually didn't see much of my parents from Black Friday onward- or worse, once I was old enough to work I spent my adolescent Christmas seasons working retail. With family. That's like the opposite of the American Dream.

Anyway, this is my first December in New York and I am surprisingly pumped about it. And ready! I just decorated my tree....

Fake, of course, and donated from my mother's last teaching job. She also gave my roommate and I a pack of those weird gnome head ornaments from Ikea. I supplemented this with $5 worth of silver balls and glittery butterflies(i know, butterflies- but they are SO shiny!) from the floral district- possibly one of my favorite streets in all of Manhattan. Seriously, they have glass or plastic ball (or 'sphere' if you want to stay classy) ornaments in EVERY color and finish. Given the funds, I could blow so much money on stupid decor on that street it's frightening.

My Little Brother Redeems Himself By Taking My Christmas Card Photo....

These are some of the reject shots:

The idea was to take pictures of me having adventures in the park by my house with my pet, Clive. Clive is super fun, but he can't run like he used to....

This was just sitting on the edge of the park wall, waiting to be background for my pictures! Pretty much the most Harlem thing ever....

I'm so proud this is in my neighborhood. Sadly, they keep whack hours and i never shop there.

Can't wait to photoshop one of these into a card/figure out how to pay to have them printed.....

What i'm thankful for:

My brother's devious Photoshop Skills.

Lady Gaga: Everything Old is Fabulous All Over Again.

I will not lie, when I heard "Just Dance" the first 560 times, I thought the song had cute lyrics, but ultimately a disgustingly clubby sound. Then they released 'Poker Face', which had about the same effect on me. Until that 561st listen. Then I realized it's genius (it was a lot like finding

god). And then I saw the video, and while it is not Lady Gaga's best, it feature unexplained

vogueing, sullen great danes, and lots of pleather looking clothing. So clearly, I fell in love a little.

It's hard to be sure how much of the grandeur and weirdness of her persona is her own creation. Personally, I've just been very impressed that her label has let her self herself like she has. She's like if Madonna and Cher and Gwen Stefani and Dali and Liberace and some aliens and Jane Mansfield and James St. James had an orgy. With Mozart refereeing. And extra sparkles.

Clearly, every artist has places where they hit and places

where they miss, though. This thought drove me to obsessively wa

tch a few of her most recent music videos and painstakingly capture where she hits her visual highs and where she falls off the map.

High Marks:

I know how I could get my nails to look like this, but what I can't figure out is how I would be able to function in life with them.

If you're going to get naked with two parking garage ruffians, you better have some large, fabulous hair.

Ditto waking up out of your plasma-goo bath for the first time. (I really want my hair to look like that. For real.)

Seduction begins the moment you don your crystal bread bowl hat!

The best explanation of this I can come up with is "Nosferatu/Goblin/ Kyphosis Chic". Seriously, it's like she was MADE to wear Alexander McQueen. Like, his crazy shit. I was desperately trying to find a picture of this dress of his that was at the Met's 2006 Costume exhibit, "AngloMania". A picture would be much better, but basically it was a tight, slinky black dress with a to scale metal spine mounted down the back. It was the absolute first thing that popped into my head when I saw this portion of the video. I hope Gaga and McQueen find all the happiness that Cher and Bob Mackie did.

This image and the one below, she is sending up/homage-ing so many damn things at once it becomes a whole new thing. I kind of, kind of, feel like that needs to be respected. After all, there is nothing truly new, especially when it comes to visuals.

Life goal: make Sunday afternoon look like this-

Yes, please.

Things I take issue with:

Listen, I've already been to silver nail polish land....

.....in 2008. It was alright.

I will only say this once, so listen up whomever is in charge of the fuck-ton of product placement in Gaga's videos:

LEAVE BABY G WATCHES IN 1999, AT THE MONMOUTH MALL, WHERE THEY BELONG.

For the love of god, do not bring those back.

And last but not least:

Gaga

Cher

That's a little freaky, right?

And now for a total digression:

So. Lady Gaga and Beyonce did this video for B's song "Video Phone". First- what the fuck kind of song topic is that? That's not even a real thing. That like writing a song called "Channel Changing Television"- it only highlights one function of a complex device. Whatever, the point is the video is totally crazy (with no help from Lady Gaga, surprisingly) so here's the best and worst of that:

In LOVE with the idea of owning bustier/glove sets in a rainbow of colors. They would great for going grocery shopping or paying your bills. Just normal stuff.

LOVE all the weird, pseudo Nerf weapons. Also love how much a Bettie Page wig changes Beyonce's whole vibe.

Do NOT like. Not even a little. This looks like something I doodled on a notebook in elementary school. Plus, I believe those are Drama masks on the left side of the bikini bottom.

And this? Once again, leave it in the 90s, please!

Exciting Things to Get Excited About (Or Shameless Self Promotion)

First, here's a really interesting story I read today about what could possibly be the best way to handle getting jilted before your wedding day. Seriously, nothing says "Fuck you, not only have I clearly moved on, but I am also a better person" than donating your wedding reception.

Next, I am attempting NaNoWriMo. I signed up yesterday and have not had time to write yet. Nor do I have any ideas. But the site suggested telling as many people as possible that you signed up, so that you are then shamed into finishing. So there you have it.

I am just smearing myself all over the goddamn internet. I now proudly Yelp, which has become indispensable to trying new things in New York. Also, if you're not a creep, you may request to follow me on twitter- @missalexander.

Powder Room Experiments: Those That Never Were...

As soon I saw an ad for 'Bumpits', I knew I had to have one. The TV commercial is possibly the best since US Window Factory. Unfortunately, a lack of funds and a phobia of ordering things off the TV delayed my purchase. And now, so many months later, I was in my enormous local Target (right over the bridge in the exotic Bronx!) and what did I see on an aisle-end display? BUMPITS! SCORES AND SCORES OF BUMPITS!

I immeadiately snatched a package up and tossed it in my basket. There would be no dull hair tonight! Tonight, I would, perhaps, 'rock a pony' as they so repeatedly suggest in the commercial. And then I stopped my mini joy dance and remembered.......I don't have any hair. As of a month ago, I look like this:
It's a terrible picture, but basically- I lack hair, which did not cross my mind as I was jumping up and down excited about finding Bumpits. So I dejectedly put the Bumpits back on their shelf knowing that it will be months before I have hair long enough to try them. Possibly years, I really like my new haircut.

Luckily, I have friends with similar values. Thank God. What I've heard is that the Bumpit is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. Everyone else enjoy! As for me, I'll be living in a universe where hair accessories don't exist.